To be or not to be…Annoying!

By YakkingYakko

(Our story begins in a park somewhere within the city of Burbank. An instrumental version of the Animaniacs theme song is heard playing as the camera pans about throughout the park. Finally, it settles upon a make shift stage somewhere in the middle of a field of grass. As the camera zooms in, we come across a sign on the front of the stage. It reads:

“The Burbank Community Players Present:

Shakespeare in the Park: Hamlet

Starring Dirk Turgeson…and a bunch of other people not as important as Dirk”.

Slowly, the camera pans to the right a bit and we see that three people, two men and a woman, all dressed in Shakespearian clothes, are reading the sign, none of them looking pleased)

Man 1: I just *knew* he was gonna add in that “Not as important” part!

Man 2: Humph! Why do we put up with that ego-maniac in every show?

Woman: (Sighs) He *is* the director after all….and the producer….and the guy who gets us that great catering….

Dirk Turgeson: (Standing behind the three, holding a megaphone up to his mouth. He is a skinny, suave looking man with a black mustache and slicked back black hair. He has on a Hamlet costume as well. He shouts into the megaphone, startling the three) And unless you want the fine food from Edgar’s Deli and Used Car Parts Emporium to no longer be available to you, you will stop your bellyaching and report backstage right now! I swear, if it wasn’t for me holding all of you by the hand, this whole production would be a total disaster!

(The three, holding their hands to their ears and grumbling, walk off camera slowly.)

Man 2: (Mutters) You self-absorbed jerk….

Dirk: Humph…I heard that…. (To the camera) It’s *so* hard to find good actors these days….or ones that’ll kiss your behind, no questions asked, anyway…Ah well, it looks like *I’ll* have to save this show with my brilliant acting…yet again…

(With that, Dirk heads off as we cut shot to the entrance to the park. The camera zooms in on it as, finally, as an instrumental version of “I’m Cute” plays, we see Dot Warner, skipping happily past the entrance, dressed in a pink princess outfit, complete with pointed hat. Yakko and Wakko, dressed in a monk’s robe and a knight’s outfit respectively, follow in seconds later.)

Yakko: Can you believe it sibs? We’re finally here at Medieval Times! Just think, in a few moments, we’ll be eating authentic mutton!

Wakko: (His tongue hanging out, grinning) Watching cool sword fights!

Dot: (Clasps her hands to her chest, batting her eyes) And looking at all of those dreamy knights….

Wakko: (Pulls out his sword and swipes it about twice) You mean like me?

Dot: (A pause, she stares at Wakko) Absolutely… (Wakko smiles) not…

Wakko: (Frowns) You miserable little snot! (He goes to jump on Dot, but Yakko grabs him by his arm and pulls him back)

Yakko: (Wagging a finger at Wakko) Tut, tut! For shame brother sibling, would a dashing, brave knight of the round table try and do harm to a lovely maiden as you tried too, hmm?

Wakko: (Squirming to get loose from Yakko’s grip) If that lovely maiden made fun of me, yes!

Dot: Ah phhh! Like you could really hurt me…I’m dressed as a princess and I could *still* take you on, chowder head! (She flicks Wakko’s nose with her finger)

Wakko: (Frowns) Ooooooooooooh, I’ll get you for that!

(Wakko, with that, leaps on Dot, and a fight cloud ensues as Yakko sighs and sticks his arms into the fray)

Yakko: Come on, come on, break it up!

(Yakko finally grabs Dot in one hand, Wakko in the other, and he holds them up and out of reach of one another)

Wakko: Grrr, let me go Yakko! Let me go so I can… (He looks off-screen for a moment, then gasps and points) Hey guys, look!

Dot: Don’t listen to him, he just wants to distract you so he can pounce on poor widdle me again!

Wakko: No really, look over there!

(Slowly, Yakko and Dot look towards where Wakko is pointing. From here, we cut shot to Dirk, who is standing under the shade of a tree, holding a plastic skull in his hand.)

Dirk: (Reciting, low voice) Alas poor Yorik….no, no, no…. *Alas* poor Yorik….Alas *poor* Yorrik…..hmm….Alas poor *Yorik*….there we go…

Yakko: Wow! Look at the way he’s dressed! He must be one of the people who performs at Medieval Times!

Wakko: (Bouncing up and down excitedly) I want his autograph! I want his autograph!

Dot: And maybe he knows where all of the cute knights are hanging out!

Yakko: Come siblings, let us go greet him and let this fun filled day begin!

(With that, the trio zip over towards Dirk and come upon him one at a time with a smile)

Yakko: Ahem…greetings oh noble Sir!

Dirk: (A pause, he eyes Yakko, then Wakko and Dot) Erm…hello there….strange puppy children…

Yakko: Tell us oh skull bearing one, where can us young squire’s go so that we can partake in this, the most important of festivals ever, the Jousting and merriment and food supplier, Medieval Times!

Dirk: (Slowly eyes the camera with a raised brow, then looks to Yakko) Ugh, go away you odd child you, I’m in the middle of rehearsing…

Dot: Rehearsing? (She leaps into Dirk’s arms, causing him to drop the skull) Are the knights rehearsing too tall lanky mustached man? I wanna go and see them so I can drop my scarf and see which one’ll hand it to me first! (Bats her eyes)

Dirk: What? Oh for heaven’s sake, I don’t know what you’re going on about, get off of me! (He drops Dot, who lands on her feet)

(Wakko, meanwhile, is eyeing Dirk’s skull on the ground. Slowly, he grins and picks the skull up, sprinkles it with some salt, then pops it into his mouth, chews, then swallows it.)

Wakko: (Letting out a small burp) Mmmm, de-licious!

Dirk: Gah! Why you horrid little puppy! That was a very expensive prop!

Yakko: Humph! And so is that rug on your forehead! (He points to Dirk’s head)

Dirk: (Frowns) How dare you suggest that my hair isn’t real!

Yakko: Aw come on, even Ralph would know that’s a fake! See, it comes right off! (He grabs at Dirk’s hair and tugs on it, once, twice, then three times) Um, eh, eh…it’ll come off in a sec… (He tugs harder) Man, you really have this one glued on tight!

Dirk: Yow! Ow! Grrr! (He slaps Yakko’s hands away) Do you know who I am?!?

Yakko: No…do you know who *I* am?

Dirk: I most certainly do not…

Yakko: Well, I’m always up for meeting new people! I’m Yakko!

Wakko: I’m Wakko!

Dot: (Bats her eyes and jumps into Dirk’s arms again) And I’m cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute! (She puts her hands on Dirk’s cheeks and gives him a big sloppy kiss on the lips) MMMMMMMMMMMMMWAH!

Dirk: Bleegh! Patooie! (He frowns and drops Dot again) Why you disgusting little creature!

Dot: That’s *cute* disgusting creature to you bub!

Wakko: Don’t get mad at him Dot, besides, you did it all wrong, this is how they kissed back in those days! (He jumps into Dirk’s arms) Give us a kiss… (He kisses Dirk’s left cheek, then right cheek, then his mouth)

Dirk: Gah! Ugh!

Yakko: (Wags a finger at Wakko) That’s the wrong way too Wakko, allow me… (He slowly takes Dirk’s hand and daintily kisses it) A pleasure to meet you oh mustached one…

(Dirk bubbles with anger, then grabs the trio by the ears and boots them off-camera. As we hear them land with a crash, he begins to walk off)

Dirk: If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be washing my mouth out with soap…

(Meanwhile, we cut shot to some nearby bushes, where the trio pop out, dazed. They crawl out of the bushes and shake themselves out slowly)

Yakko: I guess I did it wrong too…

Dot: Humph! Let’s get out of here Yakko, If that guy is any indication, then Medieval Times is gonna be a horrible time!

Wakko: Yeah, if I wanted to get kicked around, I’d go bother Mr. Plotz in his office!

Yakko: Now, now siblings…we saved up all of our piggy bank money to afford to come here today, we’re not about to let our new special friend ruin it for us…

Dot/Wakko: Special friend? (A pause, they both smile and nod) Special friend…

Yakko: Exactly! Come on sibs, I have an idea…

(With that, the trio zip off as we cut shot to Dirk, who is busy rummaging through a trunk somewhere backstage for the performance. He mutters to himself angrily as he does this.)

Dirk: (Muttering) Damned puppy children….eating my props…where am I going to find another skull on such short notice?

Dot: (V.O) Plastic skulls, get your plastic skulls here!

Dirk: (A pause, to the camera) How odd, yet terribly convenient at the same time!

(Dirk hurries off camera, then we cut shot to Dot, dressed up like a ball park vendor, pushing along a cart with plastic skulls adorned on it.)

Dot: Plastic skulls! Come and get em!

Dirk: (Coming over to Dot) I’ll take one little girl!

Dot: Very well Sir, that’ll be 500 dollars!

Dirk: (Sputters) 500 dollars?!? You’re mad!

Dot: Mad? Oh no, no, no hunnie, I’m just a business lady….

Dirk: How on Earth can you charge 500 dollars for a plastic skull?

Dot: Oh come now… (She pulls out a large chart from inside the cart and holds it up. The design is that of a red line going steadily up) The demand for plastic skulls has gone up in the last six months! People everywhere are going ga-ga over them! Why, you should be so lucky that I have any left for you to buy!

Wakko: (Comes walking up, wearing a fake beard and glasses) Hello Miss! I’d like to purchase a plastic skull please!

Dot: (Aside, to Dirk) See? This is my 20th customer today… (To Wakko) Very well Sir, how many would you like?

Wakko: All of them please!

Dirk: (Gasps, then grabs one of the plastic skulls) I’ll buy this first!

Wakko: Nuh-uh! (He nabs the skull) I called it first!

Dirk: But I need it for a show!

Wakko: I need them to house my pet monster collection!

Dirk: Now see here, I… (A pause) wait, pet monster collection?

Dot: Well of course silly, that’s pretty much why people *buy* plastic skulls nowadays…they store pet monsters quite easily, see?

(Dot holds up a skull, and out pops a green furred monster with fangs and claws from the eyeholes. It snarls at Dirk and looms right into his face)

Dirk: DA-HA-HAAAAAAAA! (He falls over)

(Slowly, Dirk woozily sits up and eyes Wakko and Dot. Wakko tosses away his fake beard and glasses, Dot her vendor outfit and cart. The two shake hands and giggle as Dirk bubbles with anger and stands up, grabbing Dot by the ears and holding her up)

Dirk: Why you conniving little brat!

Dot: Uh, Uh…BWAAAAAAAAAAH! (She begins to “sob”) Help! Help me! This mean, horrible man is hurting my widdle ears! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Wakko: (Innocent voice, to nearby people) Oh! Look what the evil man is doing to my poor baby sister!

Dirk: (A pause, nervously) I….wait, but I….I can explain….you see…

(Dirk nervously places Dot to her feet and dusts her off as several passer bys angrily surround him)

Woman: Why you cad!

Man: Picking on a poor little girl like that….

Old Lady: I’ll have you arrested you fiend!

(Suddenly, a large, burly man pushes through the crowd and taps Dirk on the shoulder. Dirk nervously turns around and is now eyeing said burly man.)

Burly Man: So…you think you’re a tough guy huh? Making a little puppy girl cry eh? How’s about I make *you* cry buster?

Dirk: (Quaking with fear) B-B-But I….she….they….they tricked me! They’re little rambunctious liars!

(The burly man looks over at Wakko and Dot. Dot is cuddled into Wakko’s arms in a hug, the side of her face resting against his chest, tears streaming down her face as Wakko, with doe eyes, gently rubs and pats her back to “console” her.)

Burly Man: (Frowns, to Dirk) So, now you wanna say those two innocent kids are liars eh? I know how to deal with jerks like you! (He rolls up his sleeve and rears his arm back to punch)

Dirk: W-Wait! Stop! (A pause, he slowly holds up a glossy photo of him) I’ll…give you an autograph?

(We cut shot to a nearby tree. A punching sound is heard, and Dirk goes flying into the tree, hitting it with a loud thud. He wearily peels off the tree, his left eye now black, then falls onto his stomach. Seconds later, Yakko, now in his normal clothes, comes strolling over to Dirk. He slowly kneels down to him and lifts his chin up with his hand)

Yakko: (Gentle tone) Hey….I saw what just happened….it looked like it hurt…

Dirk: (Wearily) It...did…hurt…

Yakko: (Nods in sympathy) And I bet you’d like to get back at that guy for doing it hmm?

Dirk: (Wearily) Yes…but…he’s quite big and scary looking…

Yakko: Tut, tut! With my patented new exercise system, you’ll be able to face that bully in no time!

(Yakko stands Dirk up, then slowly zips off screen, coming back on seconds later, wheeling in a bunch of weights in a wagon, along with a glass and a container of green liquid.)

Yakko: Yes Sir! This, the “Yakko Warner Weight Training System” Is guaranteed to make you strong and fit, or your money back! Now normally my system runs at around eeeeeeeeeeh, 11 kajillion dollars… (Dirk gasps), but for today only, because I feel so bad that that big bully gave you a shiner, you can try it for free!

Dirk: For free? Why, that’s very kind of you lad, I…

Yakko: (Pinches Dirk’s lips closed with two fingers) Please, don’t speak, I’m shilling….

(He lets go of Dirk’s lips and proceeds to grab several dumb bells and weights, tossing them into Dirk’s arms.)

Yakko: (As he does this, and as Dirk begins to shake and stagger from the weight) Now, all you have to do is use these weights every day for 10 minutes a day, and before you know it, you’ll be the envy of all mustached Medieval Times workers everywhere! (Dirk is now holding all of the weights in his arms and his legs are shaking like crazy from the weight. With a sly smile, Yakko pulls out a feather from behind him and blows it softly onto the top of the pile, causing Dirk to collapse, the weights falling on him) Tsk, tsk, tsk…come on, you couldn’t hold up those easy peasy weights? Ho boy, I guess we’ll need to move on… (He pours the green liquid into the glass and holds it out to the now peeled out and staggering Dirk) Drink this…

Dirk: (He wearily takes the glass and downs the drink, then gags) Tastes terrible!

Yakko: (Nonchalantly filing his nails) Eh, that’s what happens when you mix grass clippings and motor oil…

(Dirk does a gookie face and puts his hand to his mouth, though Yakko slowly puts his arm around Dirk’s waist and grins)

Yakko: But don’t worry, the after effects of that drink are positive! It’s gonna give you the strength to combat that bully!

Dirk: …It is?

Yakko: Of course! Why, at this very second, your muscles are becoming stronger and stronger! (Gasps and backs up) Wow! Your arms are getting huge!

Dirk: They….they are? But… (He glances at his arms) I still look the same…

Yakko: Probably because they’re getting *so* large that your eyes just aren’t strong enough to see the results!

Dirk: (A pause, he slowly begins to grin) You really think so?

Yakko: I do… (He slowly points out the burly man) There’s that bully now…go and give him what for…now that you have your newfound muscles!

Dirk: I….I…..I will! Humph! Thinks he can give me a black eye and get away with it…I’ll show him!

(With that, Dirk struts over to the burly man and taps him roughly on the shoulder)

Burly Man: (Turns around and eyes Dirk) Oh, you again huh?

Dirk: Indeed you overgrown simian! Prepare to face my wrath!

(Dirk rears back and socks the burly man in the chest, yet the punch has no effect on him. It only crunches Dirk’s fist and turns it beet red)

Dirk: YEOW! (He shakes his fist and whimpers) Owwie…

Burly Man: …Are you through?

Dirk: (Meekly) …Yes?

(The burly man rolls up his sleeve and proceeds to sock Dirk in his nose. Dirk sails through the air and into another tree, hitting it with a thud. As he peels off and staggers about, his nose now bruised, the trio comes skipping up to him.)

Wakko: I think you forgot to add the rotten banana peels to that drink big brother…

Yakko: (Snaps fingers) Of course! How silly of me! Good thinking Wak!

Dirk: (Slowly shakes his head of cobwebs, then frowns at the trio) You….

Trio: Ewe? Where? Where?!?

Dirk: (Grabs the trio by the ears and holds them up to his face) Any last words before I dispose of you for good?!?

Yakko: Yeah….There’s a huge split down the back of your tights…

Dirk: (A pause, he blushes) There is? Oh dear… (He drops the trio and cranes his neck to look at his behind) Where? I don’t see any…

Trio: (Sing-songy) Monkeys always lo-ook! Monkeys always lo-ook!

Dirk: Daaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why you little miscreants!

(The trio smile and wave, then dash off as Dirk gives chase to them. This chase soon leads to the back stage area of the production, where Dirk angrily throws aside various objects to see if the trio are hiding in them)

Dirk: Where are they? Where are they?!? I swear, when I find those rotten kids, I’m gonna…

Yakko: (V.O) There you are!

Dirk: Huh?

Yakko: (Walks up to Dirk, wearing glasses and carrying a clipboard) Don’t just stand there! You're on, you're on! Go, go, go! Your public is waiting for you!

Dirk: They are? (A pause, he smirks) Well then, no sense in keeping them waiting…

(Dirk slowly struts onto the stage, which is bare, save for two spotlights shining on them)

Dirk: (Steps into one of the lights, mutters to self) …Which scene *is* this anyway?

Dot: (Steps into the other spotlight, dramatically) Oh Hamlet! Dear Hamlet! I am here my love!

Dirk: Wha? Who are… (Dot tackles Dirk onto his back) Ooomph!

Dot: (Dramatically, standing on Dirk’s chest) Oh Hammy! I, the love of your life… (Deadpan, to camera) Whose name I don’t recall, as I always thought Shakespeare was boring… (Back to being dramatic) Am being chased by a horrible, terrifying maniac!

Dirk: (A pause) I don’t recall anything like this being in Ham… (Dot covers his mouth with her hand)

Dot: Please! Don’t speak my love! Just stand up and protect me! (A pause, Dirk just stares at Dot) DO IT!

Dirk: (Startled, he gets to his feet) Ugh! My word! (He dusts himself off and walks towards the center of the stage) Where is this…maniac then?

Wakko: (V.O, Cackling evilly) MWA HA, HA, HA, HA, HA HAAAAAAAAA!

Dot: (Over dramatically gasps) Oh no! It’s him! The maniac! I must flee!

(Dot hurries off-stage as Dirk nervously eyes ahead of him, only to see Wakko shuffle out. Slowly, Dirk’s nervous look is replaced by an incredulous one)

Dirk: *This*….is the maniac? He’s just a mere boy, how could… (Slowly, Wakko brandishes a very large mallet) ….oh poopie….

Wakko: MWA HA, HA….MWA HA HAA….MWA HA HAAAAAAAA!

Dirk: (Nervously backing away) Now…Now, now lad…let’s….let’s just put that big mallet away…

Wakko: (Coming closer to Dirk, grinning evilly) Heh heh….Heh heh….Heh heh heh…..

Dirk: (Is now backed up against a wall, he shrieks like a girl) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DON’T HURT ME PLEASE!

Wakko: (Slowly raises the mallet to strike, then quickly drops it, tongue hanging out, innocent tone) Hurt you? Oh pishaw, I wasn’t gonna hurt you with that mallet…

Dirk: …You…You weren’t?

Wakko: Of course not! (A pause, he slowly pulls out his gag bag and produces a large stick of dynamite) I was gonna hurt you with *this*!

Dirk: (As Wakko hands him the dynamite, he exhales, relieved) Oh thank goodness….

(Slowly, we hear a glass breaking sound as Dirk looks at the camera in horror)

Dirk: (Whimpers) Mommy….

(With that, the dynamite explodes, leaving Dirk a black, charred shell. He wearily looks to the camera, then slowly pulls out a horn and blows a fanfare on it.)

Dirk: (Slurred voice) Hear ye, hear ye….the jousting tournament is about to…begin….

Yakko: (Popping up next to Dirk with Dot and Wakko, all three smiling) Will there be mutton?

Wakko: And sword fights?

Dot: And dreamy hunks in armor?

Dirk: (Slurred) Oh yes, all that and much more here at Medieval Times…and now, if you’ll excuse me…for my next performance…I’m going to play a man who falls down and goes boom… (He falls over with a thud)

Yakko: (Slowly holds up a plastic skull) To be….or, not to be concerned for him…

Dot: That’s hardly a question if ya ask me…

(With that, the trio wag their eyebrows at the camera as ending music plays and we fade to black)

The End