Wontstock

Won’t-stock!

By Yakking Yakko and Pleading Eyes

(Our story opens up to an establishing shot of the famous field in New York, the site of the one and only Woodstock festival. As a Jimi Hendrix like guitar is heard playing, a narrator is heard speaking in a voice over)

Narrator: The place….New York….the year….1969…..the festival of Woodstock….three days of peace, love, music….and lots of hippies…

Random Hippie: (Pops up on the screen) Stick it to the Man, man! (Stumbles away slowly)

Narrator: Ugh, get a haircut, hippie! Ahem, anyway, where were we? Ah yes, Woodstock...

(Slowly, we pan over to a tent area, where several people are seen milling about. Among these people are a security guard, dressed in a yellow shirt and tan pants. He holds a baton in his hand and has a scowl on his face. On the back of his shirt we see the words "Absolutely no trespassers".)

Guard: ....Yeah, I know most of these hippies snuck in here for free...but that was when I wasn't on schedule....yeah, with me here, absolutely no one else is going to get into this festival without paying!

Narrator: How very coincidental, that at this very moment, the stars of our cartoon are planning to do just that...

(We pan over to the crowd, where Slappy and Skippy stand)

Slappy: Who's on stage?

Skippy: Yes.

Slappy: What? No, what's the name of the band on stage?

Skippy: The Who!

Slappy: That's what I'm asking! Who's on stage?

Skippy: Yes!

Slappy: Who?

Narrator: No, not them! (We pan over to the entrance, where the guard stands looking ferocious, then beyond that, where the Warners stand excitedly)  I meant them…

Wakko: (Wearing red tinted hippy shades, a tie dye bandana, and a hippy jacket) Faboo! Woodstock! Great food!

Yakko: (Wearing a tie-dye shirt, love beads, and his usual pants) Hippie babes!

Dot: (Wearing a 1960's esque hippy dress, with two flowers in her hair, she dreamily sighs) Paul McCartney....

Yakko: (Looks at the camera) What, you didn’t think we were here for the music, did you?

(The Warners all skip to the entrance and huddle up together)

Wakko: How are we going to get in there?

Dot: We could've just *bought* tickets, if someone hadn't eaten this month's paychecks!

Wakko: Hey, you're the one that dropped them in the cake batter!

Yakko: Sibs, relax. Nobody really buys tickets for this place. You just sneak in. After all, this is a concert of self-expression and freedom, fighting authority and established order. Why, I'm sure they'd be insulted if you *did* buy a ticket!

Wakko: Really?

Yakko: (Waves this off) Phhh, naaa, that's just what that weird looking guy down the hill said to me before he passed out.....I think he did a bit too much... (He mimes a chugging motion)

(Wakko and Dot imitate the chugging motion in confusion)

Wakko: Too much what? Weight lifting?

Dot: Hand twitching?

Yakko: .....Eeeeeeeeeeh, skip it...

(He slowly sneaks up towards the stationed guard and motions quietly for Dot and Wakko to follow. The guard spots them from the corner of his eye, growls, and steps in front of Yakko)

Guard: Hold it!

Yakko: Sure....what should I hold?

Guard: Hmmph, wise guy.....you and your freaky looking puppy friends need tickets to get in...no tickets, no in....got me?

Wakko: But I thought this was a concert of self-expression and freedom, fighting authority and established order!

Yakko: (Palms his face) Not right now, Wakko...

Guard: Oh, I see, you're a bunch of penniless hippies trying to cheap out! Well this isn't a charity benefit concert. Scram!

Dot: But...

Guard: Never mind your butt....scram, or else!

Yakko: (Sighs) Fine, fine....if you don't want to be here so much, then leave, no one's gonna stop you...

Guard: What? Why should *I* leave? I'm working here!

Yakko: Hmmph, fine then....*you* leave.....

Guard: I will! (Starts to storm off) Hippie brats, that ought to teach 'em. No such thing as a free ride. Thinking they can just sneak in, not while I'm at my post! (Stops, realizing he's been duped)Hey... wait a minute!

(The guard turns around to find the Warners at his post, dressed like ushers, letting all the waiting hippies into the concert)

Wakko: (Taking a ticket from someone) Thank you, and thank you...

Dot: What? No ticket? That's okay. After all, this is a concert of self-expression and freedom, fighting authority and established order. (She lets the hippies in for free)

Yakko: That's right, sister sibling.

Wakko: Hey, how come when she says it, it’s okay?

Dot: Well duh, because...

Wakko: (Deadpan) Saying "your cute" isn't a justifiable reason this time....

Dot: Well fine, how about "because I have a sense of timing"?

(A long pause as Wakko stares at Dot blankly, before frowning)

Wakko: Hey, I do too have a sense of timing!

Dot: I rest my case.

Guard: (Running over furiously) Hey!

(The trio grin and wave at the Guard, then rush into the concert area as the guard gives chase)

Guard: Argh! Get back here you little cretins!

Wakko: We're not cretins! We don't even know what kind of animal that is!

(The Guard chases the Warners into the crowd of spectators. He is immediately wedged in the crowd)

Guard: Grrr... OUTTA MY WAY YOU DIRTY HIPPIES!

Hippie #1: (Putting his arm around the guard) Hey man, take a chill pill, relax... This is a place for love, man... No stressing allowed

Guard: Bleegh! (He shoves Hippie # 1 aside) Don't touch me you diseased freak!

Hippie # 2: (Frowns) Hey man! Not cool! Hate crime!  Hate crime!

Guard: (Smacks Hippie # 2 over the head with his baton) Hate crime this!

Hippie #1: Hey! You can't oppress him like that! This is America! It's a free country, maaaan.

Guard: Not on my watch. Tickets aren't free! What're you going to do about it, hmm?

Hippie #1: Hey! This guy is oppressing me! And it's totally killing my vibe, man!

Yakko: (Runs over, wearing a fake beard and long hair piece) What? But it's a free country!

Hippie #1: That's what I said, man...

Dot: (Also wearing a ridiculously long hair piece) Now, now, it was all probably his up bringing's fault. He just needs to be *shown* freedom!

Wakko: (Wearing a long hair piece and goatee) Yeah, let's throw him onto the stage and away from us peace lovers!

Hippies: Yeah! (Carrying the guard over to the stage) Toss him! Toss him! Toss him!

Guard: (Struggling to get loose) Hey! Let go! Get off of me! I'll have you freaks arrested! (He is thrown onto the stage into a pile of boxes) WAAAAAAAAAGH!

Yakko: (Removing his fake beard and hair piece) That settles that...now to get to the good stuff!

Wakko: (Eyes a hippy with a plate of brownies) Mmmm! Good stuff is right! Hey Mister, may I have a brownie?

Dot: (Pops into shot and tugs Wakko's sleeve) Trust me Wakko....you don't want those kind of brownies...

Wakko: ....Why? Do they have walnuts in them?

Dot: (Does a slow take to the camera, then looks back at Wakko) Right....walnuts Wakko....exactly....

Yakko: (Blows a kiss to the camera) Goodnight everybody!

Wakko: But what's wrong with walnuts?

Dot: Look, you just don't want... (Suddenly sees Paul McCartney on stage) want... want....

Paul McCartney: Hey cats! Ain't it a great day for a rock festival!

Narrator: (Very quick voice, a'la a car radio commercial) Paul McCartney was not actually at the Woodstock Festival, but for the purposes of this next gag, just pretend that he was....

Yakko: (Pops up into shot) Suspension of belief kids, that's a literary term for "a cop-out". The more you know... (Winks and ducks out of the scene)

Paul McCartney: So let's get this party started! (The crowd cheers)

Dot: Want... want... want Paul... (She gets hearts in her eyes and starts skipping towards the stage)

Wakko: (Eyeing the brownies) But you didn't tell me why I don't want the brownies!

Hippie #4: She probably just wants them for herself, maaan. But we don't roll like that, we share everything, the way nature intended...

Wakko: I thought nature intended for animals to all eat each other. (Smiles, tongue sticking out of his mouth innocently)

Hippie # 4: (A pause, awed)  ...Whoa man....that is like....so deep man! You blow me....away!

Wakko: ...Thanks! ....I think.....

Yakko: (Meanwhile flirting with a red haired hippy female, he wags his eyebrows and gives her his love beads) A groovy present for a groovy chick.....

Hippie Girl: Wow, these will match the color of my soul perfectly...

Yakko: (Looks to the camera, then shrugs) Ehhhhh, sure...why not?

Hippie Girl: Thanks, groovy puppy boy. (She hugs Yakko to her chest) And let me just say, I think it's great how you defy the leash law and stand up on your own. Stay strong, man

Yakko: (Cuddling into her chest, he sighs smittenly) I didn't pay attention to anything you just said...but thanks...

Dot: (Meanwhile jumps on stage into Paul McCartney's arms) Hell-oooooooo Cute Beatle!

Paul McCartney: Er....hello there odd puppy girl....John didn't send you, did he?

Dot: If I say he did, would you whisk me away with you? (She tries to kiss Paul, but he barely holds her back)

Paul McCartney: Hey, I always love to meet a fan, but I'm kinda in the middle of a performance right now...

Dot: Why must you always put work before us!?

Guard: (Meanwhile stumbling about on stage) Owwie....ugh.... (He shakes his head of the cobwebs and angrily eyes Dot) You!

Dot: (Eyes Paul) Answer that later, for now... (She zips off as the Guard gives chase to her)

Hippie # 4: (Standing next to Wakko, meanwhile, talking to a group of hippies) Ok dude....tell them what you told me...exactly like you said it...

Wakko: ....Well.....if a cow laughs....does milk come out of its nose?

Hippies: (Awed) Whooooooa…

Hippie # 5: Duuude, that was so deep.

Hippie # 6: Yeah, its like, man's plight is a constant struggle, that we should fall victim to our own creation if we indulge in the institution.

Wakko: And what do firefighters do if the firehouse is on fire? Do they call themselves?

Hippies: Whoooooooa!

Hippie # 6: You should like, run for President man! You are like.....just like.....wow!

Wakko: Thanks! Hey, I have a question. Why wouldn't someone want those brownies?

(We pan over to Yakko, who is lying in the lap of one hippie girl, while another massages his shoulders, and another lies her head on his ankles)

Hippie Girl: Isn't he just the epitome of freedom? Fighting the station we are born into in life and striving for better?

Hippie Girl 2: Yeah, you're such an inspiration.

Yakko: Thanks, I try.

Hippie Girl 3: I wonder who his owner was...

Yakko: (Sits up and looks at Hippie Girl 3) Why? Would you like to be my new owner? Rawr!

Dot: (Comes running up) Yakko! Yakko! Guard guy's back!

Yakko: (Groans) Why now...? Wakko!

(We see Wakko sitting on a throne made of tin foil, being worshipped by the hippies)

Dot: (Blinks, then turns to Yakko) What.....are they doing?

Yakko: Do you *really* want to know?

Dot: ...Can't say that I do....Wakko! Come on! The crazy guard guy is back!

Wakko: (Grinning, as a hippie girl feeds him grapes) Kinda busy here....thanks, bye.....

(The Guard comes up behind Wakko and grabs the grapes out of his mouth)

Guard: Gotcha!

Wakko: Got who?

Guard: Gotcha!

Wakko: What's cha?

Guard: You!

Wakko: What about me?

Guard: I gotcha!

Wakko: Who's cha?

Hippie # 5: This is sooooo deep....

Dot: This is sooooo stupid, even for Wakko.... (She grabs Wakko's hand, and she, he, and Yakko zip off)

Hippie # 6: Our guru! Come back!

Guard: You mean freeloaders!

Hippie Girl #1: Our role model! Oh, why did he have to go? He was such an inspiration... (She begins to cry)

Hippie Girl #2: (Comforting her) There, there, he's probably gone off to share his story with others...

Guard: You have got to be kidding. Those kids aren't inspirational! They're cheapskates! They're fee dodgers! They're...

Hippie #3: They're on stage!

Guard: What!?

Yakko: (Standing on stage in front of a mic, Wakko to his left, Dot his right) Hell-ooooo to all of our hippy friends! We have a lot of stuff to entertain you with! First, my sister Dot has written a new poem....Dot....the mic is yours...

Dot: (As Yakko steps aside, she pulls the mic down to her level) Ahem
"There was an old lady, who lived in a shoe
....She was really crazy man! I mean, who lives in a shoe? I can barely fit my arm into a shoe, let alone my whole body
Anyway, that little old lady is in a nut house now...where she belongs..." (She smiles and bats her eyes) Thank you....

(The crowd cheers as Dot grins and bats her eyes)

Hippie Girl # 4: Whoa, a poem about the absurdity of humanity's modern living arrangements. It's just unnatural. That's sooo deep!

Hippie # 3: And she's cute!

(Dot curtsies with a smile as Yakko steps back to the mic)

Yakko: And now my brother Wakko, with a stirring interpretation of a classic you might all recognize...

(Wakko nods and goes to the mic. With that, he begins to burp a song out)

Hippie # 4: (His eyes wide and shiny) He's.....He's doing "Like a Rolling Stone"....

(The hippies cheer even louder as the guard, now flabbergasted, storms onto the stage)

Guard: Are you people sick in the head?!? These children are psychos! That poem was utter nonsense! And that kid is just randomly burping, it's stupid and it's incredibly disgusting!

(The crowd boos the guard)

Hippie # 1: Stop stifling our free-expression, man!

Hippie Girl # 2: You just dont understand true art, man!

Guard: This isn't art, it's nonsense! These kids are thieves! They stole their way into this concert without tickets!

Yakko: Wow, I didn't know it meant so much to you. Now I feel kinda bad... Here, you can have our tickets. (Hands the guard some tickets)

Guard: Thank you. (Looks at the tickets and reads them) Wait a minute, "Your fly is undone?" (He gasps and checks his fly)

Yakko/Wakko/Dot: (Skipping around the guard) Monkeys always loo-ok, monkeys always loo-ok!

Guard: Grr... That’s it! (Grabs the Warners and drags them off stage) I'm taking you to the detention booth and calling your parents!

Wakko: We don't have parents Mister....

Dot: Yeah....we're orphans! (Bats her eyes adorably)

Hippies: Awwww….

Hippie # 1: They're free spirits man! They make their own rules!

Hippie Girl # 1: No wonder they were so enlightened.

Guard: Argh! (He further drags the trio away) I'm kicking you three out once and for all!

Yakko: Do you *really* wanna do that? I mean, do you *really* want all of these hippies to get mad?

Guard: Like I care what a few hippies think! There aren't even that many of them here, since most of them are broke mooches.

Yakko: Broke or not, who's going to keep them out?

Guard: Me, of course!

Wakko: (Scratches his head) But you've been chasing us all this time...

Guard: Yeah, so?

Dot: So, who's been guarding the door to keep the hippies out while you chased us?

Guard: Of course, it's... uh... it was... um... that is to say... (He looks around and realizes he's surrounded by a huge crowd of angry hippies) Mommy...

Hippie # 2: You leave those puppies alone man!

Hippie # 3: Yeah man....it's harsh and negative! And besides, (Points to Wakko) He's our guru man!

Hippie Girl #2: And he's our partner in universal love! (Point to Yakko)

Hippie Girl #3: Yeah man, we don't judge just because he's a weird puppy thing!

Hippies: (Point to Dot) And she's just too darn cute!

Dot: (Smiles, batting her eyes) I get this all the time.

Yakko: (Smirking, to the Guard) I think it would be smart of you to let us go....right now...

Guard: (As the hippies all surround him) I....but...you....aren't you....supposed to be peace lovers though?

Hippies: ......TOSS HIM OUT! TOSS HIM OUT!

Hippie # 1: Peacefully of course…

Guard: No, you can't do this to me! I'm authority! I'm in charge! I decide who gets in and who doesn't! Let me go!

(The hippies pick up the guard and body surf him towards the exit gate, then toss him out of the concert, slamming the gate shut behind him)

Dot: Aww, I almost feel sorry for the over-controlling, mean, prejudiced, hippie-hatred.

Yakko: The key word there being "almost".

Wakko: I'm still hungry.

(The hippies rush over to Wakko)

Hippie # 1: Of course, the ever insatiable hunger of humanity!

(The hippies bow to Wakko, chanting)

Hippies: All hail the red-capped one…..

Yakko: Ehhhh, Wakko, you know we can't take them home with us, right?

Wakko: Can I at least take the brownies home?

Yakko: ....Eeeeeeeeeeeeh......no..... (A pause, he eyes the hippie girls and smirks) Did I say we can't take them home? Grrrrrowl! (He leaps into Hippie Girl # 1's arms) So....how's about some free love hmm?

Hippie girl #1: Oh, you're so wonderful. In fact, there's someone I want you to meet. Stevie!

(A buff looking rocker comes up to them as Yakko does a double take)

Hippie girl #1: This is Stevie, my guy. Stevie, you have to meet this kid, he's sooo, like, enlightened and stuff!

Yakko: (He looks Stevie up and down, then, he slowly gets down from Hippie girl # 1's arms and shakes his hand) Hey...nice to meet ya...

Stevie: Same....

Yakko: I uh....suppose your other girl friends all have Stevie's too?

Hippie girl # 1: Yep!

Yakko: (Sarcastic) How shocking.....

Dot: (Runs up to Stevie) Hellooooo male nurse!

(Dot tries to jump at Stevie, but Yakko holds her back gently)

Yakko: Trust me, not worth the trouble...

Hippie #3: (To Wakko) Oh, share with us the meaning of life, oh wise one.

Wakko: The meaning of what?

(The hippies all gasp)

Hippie #4: Oh course, life is only an illusion that exists only by our own definition of it! It's brilliant!

Wakko: (Walks over to Yakko) Okay, now they're starting to creep me out. I have no idea what they're saying.

Yakko: (Sighs) Yeah, maybe we should just vamoose.

Wakko: How is a moose going to help?

Paul McCartney: (On stage) I've just been informed that we have a very special guest in our audience today. Everyone give a warm round of applause for Guru Wakko! Come up here kid!

(Wakko points at himself questioningly)

Paul: Yeah, you! And bring your friends too!

(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot go up on stage as the hippies all cheer)

Wakko: (As the hippies lean in to listen, eyes wide and shiny) Um.......hi?

Hippies: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Hippie Girl # 2: It's like he's known us forever!

Yakko: ....Heh, heh, heh....thanks....thanks a lot guys... (Mutters to Dot and Wakko) Let's get the heck out of here.... (Out loud) Heh...seriously....thank you.....

Dot: (Her arms clamped around Paul's throat) Oh please, can we stay for just a few more minutes?

(Paul, meanwhile, is struggling in Dot's grip. He falls to the floor, face blue from lack of air)

Dot: (Backs up) Okay, we can go now.

Wakko: Can we skip the ending joke and just iris out? These hippies are scaring me!

Hippies: (Bowing) All hail the puppy kids! All hail the puppy kids!

Hippie Girl # 5: I love you Yakko!

Yakko: (After a pause) On second thought, maybe we’ll stay for a few more minutes after all…(Grins, then blows a kiss) Goodnight everybody!

(Dot, Wakko, and Yakko, one by one, body surf into the crowd as ending music plays and we iris out to black)

The End